Are you willing to improve your relationship with your partner? Take it to the next level and read on. You may know these but you just needed a reminder. If you are craving change, then it must start with you.
- Catch him doing good.
As a mother, our attention is mostly taken by our children. If you still have little kids, don’t get me started with the cleaning, washing, toilet training, dropping the kids to school, stressful days at work and preparing the meals. I didn’t even mention in detail the homework and the illnesses yet.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my children. However, there are times that your time and thoughts are consumed mostly by them. By the time you ask your partner “How is your day?” your energy is already drained and too tired to listen well.
We tend to forget the other role we are playing in the familial relationship – the WIFE PART.
An exhausted mother is not in a good mood. Warning! Red alert! The words that come out are a bit nasty. IT IS SO EASY TO FIND FAULT.
“ You are a loser.”
“ You are so lazy.”
Expletive words coming “ ____________” ( Fill in the blank.)
“ You are so stupid… why did you do that?”
” You are not making an effort in this relationship to work! ” MORE FOUL LANGUAGE COMING UP” and the list goes on.
If a person will tell me these, I will be crying and running to the hills. Foul words mentioned every day even if they are expressed as a joke becomes a mantra to them.
“Ah, my wife always tells me I am so lazy. What a bum. Maybe she is right. I am lazy.” Just like in my previous blogs, I emphasized that what you say to them ( partner, children, friend) becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They will prove that you are definitely RIGHT.
I am not saying flattery. What you say to your spouse must be GENUINE PRAISE and it must be specific.
If you just said “Well done!” Your partner may just feel you are just going through the motions of saying “Good job!” It doesn’t sink in. Alternatively, if you say “I really appreciate you volunteering to drive the kids today on their lessons. I was able to rest on the couch for 30 minutes. Thank you.” SO SPECIFIC.
What did he do? Answer: Drive the kids to their lessons
Effects: You were able to rest for 30 minutes and have time for yourself.
You were able to acknowledge what he did well.
You said THANK YOU. Sending good vibrations from you to him and vice versa.
He will do it again because he saw your well-being improved even for just 30 minutes. As the saying goes “HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE.
- Intimacy must never be forgotten.
I told my husband that I will be blogging about How to improve your relationship with your Husband and asked him “any suggestions?”
His answer: Don’t forget the sex!
I laughed at his answer and asked seriously if there are any bits of wisdom he wants to share from a man’s point of view. He said that’s just about it.
Remember the good old days, the before-the-kids era. You can recreate a Hollywood Movie romantic scene – flowers, chocolates, wine, exciting ambiance, YOUTH, ENERGY, passion. Don’t forget LOVE.
KIDS ERA: Both of you saw the bed! Isn’t it exciting to wear your pajamas and lie down in bed to SLEEP! SLUMBER. NAP. SNOOZE. Yes, you get my point.
If you have time to sleep, then make time to rekindle the passion. Every couple is different. In my opinion, you make time for people who really matter to you no matter how busy you are. There is no such thing as too busy. For me, I could hear alarming bells if as a couple, you don’t spend time anymore with each other. Something is not right.
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Active listening… I mean, be there!
From my previous blogs, I discussed active listening. I admitted that I love to talk… a lot. I challenged myself not to speak or make a comment for 10 MINUTES (used a timer) while listening to my husband. It was tough. His voice became hoarse because it was his first time to talk that long without me interrupting him. It was enlightening to know what he had to say.
The challenge as a wife is not to ZONE OUT. Zoning out means your senses are starting to drift across the universe while your spouse is telling you something important. Then, when he finished talking, you just stare at him and ask “I didn’t get it, can you repeat it?”
With all the conversations inside your head, you have to remind yourself “ Presence of mind! Listen to what he is saying to you. Observe his body language. Listen to the tone of his voice. Is he trying to tell you something but he just can’t get it out?”
I learned from Cookie Monster of Sesame Street how to listen: “Eyes watch, Ears listen, Voice quiet, Body calm.” I love Cookie Monster.
- Use simple words when you want to express something important.
I asked an old friend about how they were able to stay married for 25 years. Her answer was,
“ DON’T TALK TO EACH OTHER.” I giggled.
The problem of saying what we want to say is sometimes the words we use are mentioned sarcastically, in riddles (guess what I am thinking now) and with an intimidating tone of voice.
My mistake before was I assumed that the content I want to say came across to my husband. After a disagreement, his perception of what I have said was totally different from the message I wanted to tell.
So when there are times I feel upset, I tell him “I just want to release this feeling now. You don’t have to solve the issue. Just listen.”
Husbands are problem-solvers. When you mention an issue, their brains start to look for a solution to the problem. Stress starts. If from the beginning you just tell him that you just wanted a listener, they know where they stand and support you along the way. I told you before, BE SPECIFIC.
- Talk about your financial status.
Yes, MONEY. MONEY. MONEY. The stress. The depression. The hopelessness. The end of the world scenario. AAArrrrgh.
If both of you are IN DENIAL that there is a problem with your financial status, it will trickle down into other areas of your life.
A loving relationship goes down the drain faster when there are money issues involved. For instance, heated arguments, sleepless nights and bills piling up put too much strain on both of you.
BE PROACTIVE. Seek the help of a trustworthy financial adviser to help you deal with money matters. Work together on how to improve your budget, manage your expenses and sacrifice the non-essential things.
Furthermore, isn’t it amazing that you are doing something TOGETHER for your relationship to get BETTER! Congratulations!
Pray to God for help, strength, wisdom, and guidance. As a couple, you are learning from the lessons of life. WE ALL DO.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You may see a couple that looks perfect. Nah. Every couple is struggling with a challenge you know nothing of.
I admire you my dear reader for reading this blog post. It means you are open-minded enough to read about ideas on how to improve your relationship with your special someone. Good luck! May the JOY BE WITH YOU BOTH.
