Are you okay? These are the words that when asked will make you decide whether you speak up or to keep quiet. Based on my personal experience, there are 5 lessons learned revolving around these three words – Are you okay?
- As a migrant myself, I know that asking the newcomers of the community the question “Are you okay?” will definitely help.
Every migrant all over the world will experience culture shock. The decision to live and stay overseas is a major one. It will challenge the resilience and the capacity to adapt. It is not easy. No matter how strong you really feel, you will cry… really cry.
Every migrant has their own reasons why they decided to leave their country of origin. Some are improved lifestyle, better opportunities and a better future for their children. However, the adjustment period is the most difficult one.
I was inside a chapel, praying. I thought I was alone but out of nowhere an old woman approached me. It is such a shame I forgot her name. Maybe she saw me having the look of a person who really needs someone to talk to.
She sat near me and asked, “Are you okay?” Tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn’t even utter a word. I was overwhelmed with the emotions I couldn’t bear any longer. Homesickness? Exhaustion? Sorrow? As a mother and wife, it is a must that we have to be strong and have the courage to face life’s challenges.
However, there is a limit to that. There were cracks on this self-imposed wall and the wall was crumbling. The old woman offered her arms and gave me a hug. My soundless cry turned into sobs. Painful sobs. Turbulent emotions buried deep are now going out.
Looking back, I recalled how the old woman never pressured me with questions like “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” She was patient enough to wait. She held me tight in her arms and let me weep.
Luckily, there were tissues in that particular chapel. When she felt that I was ready to talk, she asked me the reason. I said what was bothering me at that time. One good thing about her was she was NOT JUDGMENTAL about my thoughts and issues.
She had kind eyes and calmly listened and listened and listened. She let me think of ways on how to solve my dilemma without imposing her advice and ideas on me.
I came out of the chapel feeling better. Even if my bulging eyes were red and my nose looked like an overripe tomato, it didn’t bother me. I was able to think straight and had a new perspective about my circumstances.
It strengthened even further my faith in humanity all because of the words “Are you okay?” that came out from an old woman whom I have never seen again.
Furthermore, I remember one of the mothers in primary school telling me that as a migrant herself, the adjustment period is two years. She told me the words I will never forget “Things will get better.” Before graduation, we had the chance to talk again and I told her, “You are right. Things did get better.”
Reach out to someone especially if they are new in the community. They will feel they belong.
Related blog post: Searching for the Homesickness Cure
- Be prepared to listen to unexpected views, news and thoughts that will make you feel uncomfortable.
Because I experienced first-hand the benefits of a concerned person inquiring “Are you okay?, I asked as well other people how they are doing. At first, I was shy. But then again, I reminded myself, reaching out to people is good. It prevents you from being too self-absorbed with your own concerns.
From my experience, the top concerns random people I had a conversation with have major problems about the following:
- Financial matters
- Parenting issues
- Relationships went wrong
- Death or dying
- Self-loathing
Having discussions with them will certainly trigger feelings in you like grief, worry, anger, doubt, hopelessness, and other negative emotions. The good news is when you ask how they are doing and you are prepared physically, mentally and emotionally, you can cope with the flow of the conversation.
Furthermore, do not ask when you are not ready for it. It will affect you and you might make the person feel worse than before.
- Learning how to be an excellent active listener will take a while to master.
Have you experienced a moment when you were listening to a person and you really want to blurt out –
“ Oh yes, I also experienced that and ….”
“ I know that feeling. There was a time when…” ?
There are options:
- You continue the conversation by adding your experience to it and not letting the other person finish. ( The other person will not speak up anymore.)
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You just keep listening without judgment.
- You pretend to listen but you are dying inside to tell your own part of the story. (not really listening)
Sometimes you forget the rule book on how to be a better listener. The temptation to talk is so great because of excitement, boredom and in a hurry to just get it over.
We learn from our mistakes from all the conversations we had and we get better as we go along. I had awkward conversations before. I just make a mental note to myself.
“ Shirin, please don’t say those words ever again.”
Related blog post: Advantages of Listening or Reasons why we need to shut up more
- Remember to take care of yourself.
After listening for some time with a person who trusted you with his/her feelings, remember to take care of yourself. It is part of being human to be affected by other people’s problems especially if they are close family and friends.
For me, I pray for them. After offering your time, money or whatever help it may be, it takes faith that in the end, it will work out just fine. Hence, it may not totally solve the issue but being there for them will really make a difference.
Taking care of yourself in all aspects – physically, mentally and emotionally will make you a better helper and more capable of asking another person “Are you okay?”
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Keep in mind to be careful whom to TRUST.
There are two types of active listeners:
Listener A: This listener will actively listen to what you have to say. The person will respect your privacy and confidentiality of the matter. The secret is safe. Sometimes the person gives help or a follow-up on how things are going.
Listener B: This listener will be all eyes and ears on what is bothering you. However, at the back of his/her mind, the person is dying to tell your misfortune to the next person available to listen. The adversity you are facing will become publicly known.
Also, trust is so important for me in a relationship. In my lifetime, I already experienced these two types of listeners. The first trustworthy one is such a treasure to have in life. The latter listener made me learn the lesson to be cautious. Not everyone is happy with your status.
I remember a quote I saw on Pinterest.
“ Remember… Whoever is trying to bring you down is already below you.” – Ziad K. Abdelnour
Fortunately, there is still a lot of goodness in this world. Why?
Answer: There are still a lot of people who are kind, loving and decent who wants to give love and be loved. Connect with somebody not just to say hi or hello. Having real conversations make you feel alive!
Also, you wouldn’t even know the huge impact you could make with another person. You might be the angel on earth they have been waiting for. All you have to do is ask, listen and be there.
